I am super lucky to have LOVED the holidays growing up. Every holiday season, we would gather at my Great Grandma Roberta’s house for all the traditional foods and activities, and the same family members year after year. And then my Great Grandma developed dementia and the tradition changed. We started splitting the holidays between both my parents’ families and with the traditions already interrupted, it gave new license to change everything else. As an adult, I appreciate this. As a child, I was turned upside down. Traditions were important to me. They were all I knew!
Fast forward to my adulthood, traditions continued changing. Changes in my family (both positive and negative), medical emergencies, unexpected travel (or lockdown) have all deflated the heck out of traditions I have held strongly. I have felt very sad on days that are “supposed” to be merry and bright. And I know I am not alone. The holiday season—no matter your family or holiday cheer—is a tough time for many. I knew a lovely man who despised going anywhere with Christmas music and Christmas trees alight. It shut him down and made him angry. And when we talked about it, his reasons were good. He lost his dear mother on Christmas morning, next to a beautiful Christmas tree.
I am really blessed (yes I used the “B” word) to look forward to Christmas this year, with a ten-month-old daughter to see the whole season through. Last year was a different story. Many know this, but our pregnancy was high-risk. We spent most of November and December at Sanford or Mayo Clinic and finally had a risky surgery on December 17 to eliminate the problems a tumor was causing our daughter in utero. When we came back home, I was sore and scared and tired. There was no Christmas spirit in our home. We had no energy to decorate, especially not knowing the future for our little one. My partner and I got through the holiday season the best way we knew how. We talked about it and we decided on the things that would make us happy.
So if you are struggling this December, know that I see you. I see you faking a smile and telling others “happy holidays.” I see you going through the motions, or coping in whatever ways you can. And I offer you a few suggestions to survive and thrive this year (even in the midst of a global pandemic). Through getting creative in my own life and pulling ideas from greater minds, here are some ideas to try for yourself:
Clarify your holiday values. Think about what this season means to you—does this time of year center around religious observations? Is family most important? Or service? There’s no wrong answers here. But once you can get clear about what’s most important to you, you can cut out the stuff you don’t enjoy and focus your resources (time, money, energy) on what matters. For example, one Christmas when family circumstances left my partner and I without plans, we volunteered to make dinner at the Ronald McDonald House here in Fargo. It was absolutely a shift in perspective.
Give back. There’s a reason this is on every list of all time—finding an organization or cause that matters to you creates goodwill to men twofold. First, there are many important causes that need our support and finding a way to do so helps individuals right here in our community. Secondly, giving in whatever capacity you are willing and able kicks its benefits back to you! Getting outside ourselves often changes our perspective and lifts our moods. That can’t be a bad thing at the end of 2020. For a list of places that need our support this time of year, check out the Guide to Giving Back This Holiday Season by Fargo Mom.
Take good care. Self-care has become another four-letter word these days with its emphasis on bubble baths and “me time.” But I’m just asking you to take care of yourself. Do those routines that keep your body and mind up and running. Keep up with your typical hygiene practices. Read a book that is meaningful. If you don’t enjoy reading find a great podcast. Make time for prayer or reflection and meditation. Move your body, whether inside the comfort of your home or out in the elements. And finally, check in with yourself—if you are not feeling festive, let yourself not feel festive. If you are sad, know that your sadness is okay. If you are channeling your inner Kris Kringle, go with it!
Say it out loud. Community-based support groups exist for many issues, including addiction, codependency, and depression. Most of these are easy to find online (or ask us!). Call a friend or family member that has your back. Calling FirstLink at 211 or the Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-TALK are always available to make sure you are never alone.
Make a plan. Are you trying to avoid drinking alcohol this year? Decide what kind of “special” drink you will have for yourself instead. Trying to avoid all the holiday goodies? Think about what you will enjoy while others eat fudge. Going out of town (Covid-permitting)? Consider how to keep in place the important routines you have. If the holidays promise to knock your habits and routines over on their axis, it will time well spent to think ahead about how you want to address these.
Get creative. If your traditions are topsy turvy this year, see if there are ways you can get creative with celebrating in a new way.
o Try buying (or making) festive clothing. I recently scored a Home Alone t-shirt that I am now obsessed with and will be wearing more than is socially acceptable.
o No budget for a Christmas tree? No problem! Search online or ask a friend for alternative ideas. One of my favorites is using old recipes or pieces of paper taped to the wall in the shape of a tree. Bonus—no kids or critters can knock it over or steal your ornaments!
o If you are in a gift exchange, what can you make, either craft or consumable, to share instead of stressing out about buying something?
o Try making a new tradition that is unlike the ones you grew up with. In our house, we now make Christmas enchiladas. Not a traditional Christmas food in the Pytlik house, but it hit all the right notes when we introduced it a few years ago and a new tradition has now begun.
I hope you find what you need here. I hope you get what you need and find something to take home. Don’t leave me hanging—what is helping you survive and thrive this holiday season? Which idea are you looking forward to trying?